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Somehow I feel I am getting closer…
the water keeps getting closer and closer…
I am afraid.
It’s a big ocean – deep, dark.
How can little ol’ me survive in THAT?
I’m so scared.
We’re on the edge –
Everything is on the edge.
I don’t believe we’re gonna make it.
Everything is going to crumble and that surely means death.
Death is not supposed to be a good thing.
Death = Fear
Fear = Death
Either way, not good.
So why do somehow I feel I’m getting closer?
Closer to what?
To my death?
The odd thing is I actually meant getting closer to something BIG –
in me…
or IS IT ME?
Something is happening.
I feel it –
It scares me.
Yet, there’s this pause.
In that… that small, still moment –
Ah – YES – THAT’S IT!
Joy – or near joy…
it’s the IT that’s indescribable.
The pivotal point.
The stillness.
Yet it is IT.
THAT’S what I’m moving toward –
scared, yet excited, to become IT.
Scared that IT will feel final and limited.
Scared that IT may not be IT…
IT may just be it.
Then what?
Would I be stuck –
stuck with nothing but IT?
Yet, there is something to IT that calls to me…
What is IT?
I am so curious and feel IT’s pull.
Am I a slave to IT,
Or is IT my destiny to move toward IT?
It actually feels like I’m supposed to become One with IT.
I imagine myself
becoming One with IT.
IT actually doesn’t feel so bad.
Yes, it’s kinda new and different,
Yet there’s a sweet familiarity in IT.
I feel safe and contained in IT.
Yet there is still plenty of room for me to move and be free within IT.
I feel my arms and legs moving around, almost swimming in IT –
but again I wonder, What is IT?
So then I wonder, Is this it?
So what if I can swim and move freely and be contained and protected…
So what?
Maybe I don’t want to be in IT, really.
Maybe IT’s not for me.
I stop swimming –
take a breath –
and step out of IT.
I look up at IT’s Grandness.
So what! I say independently.
I back away from IT.
IT doesn’t look quite so big anymore –
the farther away I move from IT.
Then I sit alone and have nothing to do.
I feel separate and far away from IT.
I look over my shoulder –
I can see IT. IT’s still there, receptive.
IT doesn’t care. It allows me to do whatever I want –
I can take IT or leave IT.
IT is not affected.
But I am.
I feel a bit colder now.
Kinda far away.
Far away from what? I wonder.
I have already started to forget about IT.
IT doesn’t seem to matter to me anymore.
Yet there is this sense of loss –
of loneliness
and I’m not exactly sure why.
I sit and rest some more –
I don’t know what to do.
I let myself not decide.
I let myself just take a nap instead.
It’s much easier to just take a nap and forget about IT.
So I sleep.
I sleep for a long, long time.
I am tired.
I didn’t realize how tired I was.
It takes me a while to wake up.
It takes me a while to get my bearings after such a long slumber.
Things begin to come into focus as my eyes adjust to the light.
Oh, yes, I remember –
I can see.
There is a sense of peace and calmness.
I sit in the stillness of that moment when I am no longer sleeping
and can finally see and be present.
The calmness is kind of odd.
There is something new about my state.
Yes, I am awake, but there’s something different…
I just feel more calm and protected.
What is it?
I take a breath and look around.
I notice IT all around me.
I am completely saturated in IT.
Everything is in IT.
Everything I see, touch, smell…
It is all in IT.
In fact, EVERYTHING IS IT.
Hmm…, I ponder, I thought I left IT.
I have remembrances of walking away from IT.
But then this feeling explodes from my heart.
Is it a feeling, or a knowing, or what?
That doesn’t actually seem to matter anymore.
There’s more to IT than my mind can handle.
Yet suddenly I am clear and certain that somehow I AM IT!
I am overwhelmed with awe and excitement.
Wow! I AM IT!
That moment fades into laughter
when I totally realize that I was the butt of a really funny joke…
I can never NOT be IT,
I never left IT
and that’s all there is to IT!
Hmph – some joke. :-)
I smile…
I have to admit it was a really, really good joke –
I almost bought IT!
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